Britters.

Don't Be a Tit - Respect Them.

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:54:00 -0400

Angelina Jolie cut off her tits because if she kept them she’d probably get cancer. She wrote an op-ed in the Times about it. And now, obviously, idiots on Twitter are expressing their opinions. The Awl has a nice round-up of those of the male persuasion who feel completely justified yakkin about a stranger’s breasts and the “embedded implications” of her actions.

THAT’S what kills me about this. I mean, I expect garden variety sexism:

“Poor Brad Pitt! Why bother marrying her now??”

“RIP Angie’s tittays: 1975-2013 :(“

“At least she’s gettin fake ones - go DOUBLE D Ang!”

You can discard these creeps. It’s the concern-trolling mansplaining ones that are the real douchebags. These guys feel the need to point out that poor women don’t have access to these types of procedures or that this isn’t a “real” battle against cancer because you can’t win if you have to cut things off or that this doesn’t count as “real” news, whatever the fuck that is. These men don’t think they’re being casually misogynist. They think they’re entitled (entittled, lol.) to these opinions.

FYI! Beware discussing people’s parts (sexual or not) IF YOU YOURSELF DO NOT OWN THEM. It’s shitty enough that she has to address her medical issues in a public forum. It’s admirable that she is. Really looking forward to all the upcoming speculation about the size of her new rack and how well her next red carpet dress fits in US Weekly.

If some celeb had prostate cancer and lost a nut and publicly discussed the procedure, would women publicly discuss how hopeful they are that he get a new ball or how tragic it all is and how he will never be the same or that wasn’t the “correct” way to fight cancer? MAYBE, I can imagine it now:

“I hope Brad Pitt gets a new nut, he’ll be nothing without them.”

“His best feature, those balls.”

“I loved how hairy and low-hanging they were.”

“God, maybe he’ll go up a size!”

“If only. I’d suck on those all day if I could.”

NOPE! Would never happen. And if it did they would be ASSHOLES and they would be publicly shamed. I love balls as much as the next woman (actually I probably like them a lot more than most women), but I will tread as light as fuck when talking about ball cancer, a subject I know next to nothing about. I’ll just stick to doing what I do best - tea-bagging.

Uh oh, did Holy Ghost! defeat Daft Punk in the disco battle??

Tue, 14 May 2013 14:14:00 -0400

Uh oh, did Holy Ghost! defeat Daft Punk in the disco battle??

Two makes a trend, I guess.

Tue, 07 May 2013 15:14:00 -0400

Formerly hard-drinking, foul-mouthed, misanthrope Mark Maron wrote a piece in the New York Times about his “desperate, stupid, emotional” search for the perfect pair of pants. Remember Buzz Bissinger’s weird, suicide note via Gucci addiction from last month’s GQ? Why are all these “manly” men writing about their fashion obsessions??

Obviously it’s just relatively unexplored material and online editors hear PAGE-VIEWS so loudly in their brains they can’t turn down these narcissists who wish to expose their neuroses to us. The best thing though is that I can already imagine the conversation between Maron and Bissinger:

“God, those trousers. The leather, so buttery.”

“I know, man. Calfskin.”

“Yeah… wow. (silent admiration) Also I just want to say, the cut.. it just, heh, it certainly accentuates the positives. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

“HA HA! I do. Yeah the ladies go WILD for these.”

“Good to know, good to know… (musing, realizes he’s been musing directly at another man’s genital area) Though! NO HOMO! HAHAHA! No homo.”

“HA HA HA, no I get it. I appreciate that YOU appreciate the cut of my jib, man. All good. But, you know, why should we feel embarrassed about wanting to look good? We’re men. We can go what we damn well please.”

“Yeah! You’re right. Hey! I know what we should do. We should start a movement. Like a reclamation project.”

“Seriously man, we should!”

“Fashion: NOT JUST FOR FAGGOTS.”

“Perfect. Hey - is that an Alexander Wang man-bag? I didn’t even know he did those! Where did you get it? I MUST have it.”

And so on and on until all men realize they are not so different from us than they previously thought…

METZ @ Bowery Ballroom: Knife In The Water

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 12:07:39 -0400

METZ @ Bowery Ballroom: Knife In The Water:

METZ make glorious noise. Read my concert review and I will love you forevs.

METZ throwing thunder. So noisy and rad. And dude filled...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:32:00 -0400

METZ throwing thunder. So noisy and rad. And dude filled @boweryballroom.

MS MR are just so excellent. @msmrsounds

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 20:33:54 -0400

MS MR are just so excellent. @msmrsounds

Last night I went to the launch party for my friend’s...

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 13:39:36 -0500

Last night I went to the launch party for my friend’s photography book Boxeo Clasico. Typical situation: dark, hip, semi-secret location up steep, grimy stairs in Williamsburg, open tequila bar, DJ sets by local band the Denzels and hot non-locals the Vaccines. Mix in a crowd clad entirely in abundant facial hair, large spectacles, belt-loop keys and never-washed jeans, it was a fine time. Exactly the type of people who only get places early so they can drink all the free stuff.

Anyway, I’m standing in the hallway with a couple people when this dude rocks up and says to a friend of mine, “Hey, we’ve never met, but we’re friends on Facebook.”

She replies, “Oh yeah, that’s right. What’s your name again?”

“Banjo Mike.”

We all laugh and this other person says, “Really? I know another guy who goes by that name and you’re not him.”

“Yeah I’m not.”

“Well actually it’s funny, he’s transitioning into a woman so you’re clearly not her.”

So I said, “Ah yes, Banjo Michelle. She certainly knows how to pluck.”

We all laughed and scattered, some to smoke, get another drink, sass the DJ for playing crap, whatever. Later I run into Banjo Mike again and I asked, “Are you on Facebook as Banjo Mike?”

He replied, “Yup, look out for this hat I’m wearing. It’s my signature.”

“Ok, good, I don’t want to get confused with the other Banjo Mike. Look out for the hat, not the vagina.”

Ru Paul’s Drag Race photo op with Snooki and JWoww broke...

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 14:10:16 -0500

Ru Paul’s Drag Race photo op with Snooki and JWoww broke my brain. #dragrace #beyond #mypeople

Forever this. Special shoutout to my mate Chris for his lovely...

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:28:32 -0500

Forever this. Special shoutout to my mate Chris for his lovely direction.

cordjefferson: Ayo, if you want to call people worthless pieces...

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 13:12:11 -0500

cordjefferson:

Ayo, if you want to call people worthless pieces of shit on Twitter, more power to you. You do you and behave in whatever manner you can stomach. But after you fire your salvo, it is not a good look to immediately turn around and decry the dearth of comity from others on the internet. You temporarily relinquished your right to the high road when you barreled yourself down the low road whilst flipping double birds and publicly calling a stranger you dislike a lot of names. And any time you catch yourself saying, “But these people DESERVE to be yelled at and I don’t DESERVE to be yelled at,” that is a good time to reevaluate some shit.

Basically, I agree with this person.

So you’re taking the always reliable position of “She asked for it”? Could be time to reevaluate some shit yourself.

Tampa, the little city that could. And would.

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 17:45:33 -0500

I’m really enjoying the Petraeus-Broadwell-Kelley-Allen scandal. Everyday comes to us with a delightful new revelation.

According to a new report, 30,000 pages of suspicious, sexy emails were collected. General Allen’s emails to the “un-official military liason” (cough, madam) Jill Kelley read “less like flirtation and more like phone sex.” Jesus Christ! How did he have any time to actually work on war strategy?? I mean, we all know that those romance/erotica novels ain’t short, but still…

The Times today published an article on the how the Kelley’s social scene was at the core of the scandal now. The Kelley’s threw lavish parties, including a rather mysteriously pirate-themed one which Petraeus actually attended.

Here’s where I actually started to get a wee bit hot under the collar:

“MacDill Air Force Base is a driving force behind the Tampa economy. The local Chamber of Commerce estimates that $6.7 billion a year flows into the Tampa Bay area from the base. Military contractors and other defense-related companies dot the city. Business deals are often made in the plentiful strip clubs and steakhouses.”

There’s nothing I love more than chilling in my local strip club or steakhouse. This is completely, utterly repellent. It illustrates that having a military-industrial complex as the engine that drives our economy is so old-school boys-club backwards and patriarchal - it does my head in. $6.7 BILLION dollars goes into the lame-sauce city of TAMPA based purely on fat old men in strip clubs chewing on grey meat while their grey meat gets a limp stiffy as they ogle single mothers in gun-metal g-strings.

Perks of Being a Ballflower.

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 12:55:01 -0500

So I saw Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. It’s that film starring Hermione Watson based on the very popular book of the same name? I have 2 things to say:

1) When our little protagonist finally makes some friends - Hermione and her gay step-brother with the cheekbones who is fucking the football captain with the bowl haircut - he is welcomed into their group of supposed fuck-ups by Hermione saying, “Welcome to the island of misfit toys.” Cute. No way. Neither her OR her gorgeous faux-bro would ever be in the unpopular group. It’s not genetically possible for these 2 glorious, glowing specimens of humanity to remain in the dumpster corner of high school. Bull shit. Ooooh, you’re trying to make the point that beautiful people have problems too, Kim Kardashian? I thought not.

Ok, 2) The big revelation of why our protagonist is all fucked up is…. his aunt molested him? His aunt. A woman. Currently, there are two enormous sexual molestation scandals tittilating everyone - Sandusky and Savile. Two nations, united in our love of searing the innocence off the under-age. Those two fuckers crafted their own cottage industries around themselves to serve up children for their prying hands. Talk about ingenuity. That’s Bond level obvious, in-front-of-everyone’s-eyes villainy. So I say NO. No fucking way there is a female molester in your bullshit film. That’s not allowed because there have been, what, 3 lady creeps in the history of the world and a BILLION male ones.

Oh and 3) https://pbs.twimg.com/media/A7g-2EXCUAEmaTO.jpg

Dum Dum Girls looking and sounding sick. #cmj

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 00:44:56 -0400

Dum Dum Girls looking and sounding sick. #cmj

Nicely targeted email Barclays Center - if I’m interested...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:01:06 -0400

Nicely targeted email Barclays Center - if I’m interested in one, I’m definitely interested in the other!

Django Django looks amazing and sound fierce. (Taken with...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 22:25:19 -0400

Django Django looks amazing and sound fierce. (Taken with Instagram)

It is nice to work in an office that provides free beer and...

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 17:07:24 -0400

It is nice to work in an office that provides free beer and @theantlers on a rainy afternoon to boost morale! (Taken with Instagram)

Hmm… I don’t think so New York Magazine. See...

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 13:30:17 -0400

Hmm… I don’t think so New York Magazine.

nevver: Cup size Only going to this coffee shop if they have...

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 16:29:59 -0400

nevver:

Cup size

Only going to this coffee shop if they have equivalent for dudes illustrated with jockstraps.

Kindness’ track “That’s Alright” is...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 14:50:51 -0400

Kindness’ track “That’s Alright” is built from samples of Trouble Funk’s song “Still Smokin,” so he enlisted them to play with him on-stage.

This is just great - gives credit where credit is due and still makes things new.

A research charity has launched an animated film hoping it will encourage debate about the surge of women seeking "designer vaginas".

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 18:28:00 -0400

A research charity has launched an animated film hoping it will encourage debate about the surge of women seeking "designer vaginas".:

From the BBC.

Ok, ladies, please. Every vagina is perfect in its own way, like individual snowflakes. Now that we’ve gotten this disclosure out of the way, let’s make fun of everything involved here.

One woman said she “experienced recurring dreams where she would imagine her labia as a scarf that would wrap itself around her neck. ‘There would be people standing around laughing and pointing.’”

There is a little illustration depicting her fear, which is extremely disappointing mainly because the scarf is a regular scarf just pink. It certainly doesn’t originate from anywhere near her crotch. She could have bought it on sale from Century 21. And the other people in the picture are neither laughing NOR pointing. Just sort of looking? Like maybe they’re admiring her new labial pink scarf.

Honestly, I’m constantly losing my scarves so this seems like a perfectly sound and convenient solution. In my experience, labia are warm, soft and inviting and you’d just tuck them away once you’re safely indoors. This is on par with those sets of mittens you had as a kid with the long string attaching them together that you’d loop through the arms of your winter coat. Moms know best - it was impossible to lose those fuckers.

The laughing and the pointing seem like mild concerns in the face that your crotch sounds as though it may potentially strangle you.

Another insight here is that women are seeking out these “designer vaginas” (as though all of our regular ones are just knock-offs you could buy on Canal street) due to the trend of “extreme public grooming.” Now, that sounds like a reality sports show I would actually hate-watch. It also describes a normal episode The Only Way Is Essex. (Seriously, I’ve never seen so much vajazzled pussy in my life and I watch porn on the reg.)

“And now for another episode of EXTREME PUBIC GROOMING. Ladies, get your vibrating razors out and warm up the wax, it’s cutting time!”

Joe Rogan is already submitting his audition tape to host.

Maybe it should be an exhibition sport at the next summer Olympics. It only seems appropriate given that the Games are being held in Rio.

Again, ladies! If you’re only going to remember one thing — do not cut up your vadge! Men are not slicing up their dicks for you. They expect you to love it au naturale. Let’s stop creating Franken-flange and respect our regular pleasure center.