My question about Jon Favreau’s newest masterpiece is where does he get his ideas?! Wait, I think I’ve got it:
"Yo, boyz, we really need a new Old West film. You know, like saloons and prostitutes and shoot-outs and whoa! James Garner cameo! Yes! Right? Like, a good old cowboys and indians type yarn…. but <cough> that’s a little… uhm POLITICALLY INCORRECT, I guess. I mean, us whities swaddled them in smallpox blankets, forced them on that whole ‘Trail of Tears’ business, then pushed them onto tiny tracts of land and basically stole their life-force since they’re all fire-water alcoholics who never leave ‘the rez.’ Shit. They’re, like, a dwindled people…
What should we do about a villain? Hmmm…
OH! I KNOW!! Let’s just stick aliens in there! It even SOUNDS LIKE INDIANS. Dope, signing my own check to myself for 50 million dollars.”
Devious master of the female demographic Pharrell has developed a new alcoholic drank for teh lay-deez. It is called Qream. For real. It is somehow a 95 percent lactose-free dairy-based liqueur that comes in no doubt delicious strawberry and peach flavors.
I know that when I belly up to the bar, first quibble in my mind is, “If only milk were alcoholic… it’s just what I’m craving ‘cept I need a little loosening up that only 12.5% alcohol can provide.” That’s the thing — first sign of a normal, well-adjusted adult is a penchant for tall glasses of milk.
But, Pharrell, why stop with women? You’re closing off half your audience by targeting ovary-owners. Dudes would totally dig asking that burly, handle-bar mustached hulk behind the bar, “Yo, man, 16 oz. of Qream. Peach flava.”
The crack-cheese comment notwithstanding, this is really how we’re referring to Gwyneth Paltrow now?
Hollywood super chef?? Not only has she lived in London for the past decade, but a super chef?
Look, if we’re just making this shit up out of thin air, why not go the whole hog?
"Michelin-Starred Sumo Wrestler Gwyneth Paltrow rescued a puppy from a raft during a monsoon in New Delhi last week. Onlookers said the Grammy winner looked ‘trim with a wild look in her black black eyes.’ Paltrow is in India opening cosmetic dentistry school, which she has called ‘a long-held dream.’"
PS. Where is GP seeing this mythical “cheese in a can”?? She truly must be seeking it out, since it certainly is not on the shelves of the local Waitrose. Is she time-traveling? Back to when things were still in tins, like during WWII? Go to bed, Gwyneth. Just go to bed.