So I pretty much have a low-grade awareness of all this Twilight business. My brain is surrounded by a thick carapace of freezer ice with regard to the minute by minute updates on all the Team Edward vs. Team Whoever that other Dude Is in gossip rags. All this being said, I do spend 90 percent of the day with my eyeballs superglued to the information superhighway. The preview for New Moon, the second film installment in the Twilight series, has penetrated my brain via this here interweb and now I’m left wondering about it.
It opens with Bella, our heroine, at a birthday party her vamp boyf Edward’s thrown for her with his vampire family. The house is all done up with flowers and presents and cake — for being rabid bloodsuckers, they do show epic hospitality. Sweet. Aw. Snarf. Bella blows out the candles, makes her wish to be with Edward forever and ever and ever and then gets down to the present opening. Doink. Right away, as she’s ripping the wrapping paper, she gets a… WAIT FOR IT… paper cut. Retard. Shedding her virgin’s blood in front of a vampire family! Everyone goes ballistic and wants to eat her right there.
Stephanie Meyer is expecting me to believe that this one little paper cut causes the Cullen family to morph into the Mansons? These are vegetarian vampires, remember? They drink animal blood, having weaned themselves off of human. But their rather sudden lack of famed Cullen self-control isn’t what’s troubling me. Her one drop of paper cut blood is NOTHING compared to her menstruation EVERY SINGLE MONTH. What the fuck. Her body pours nice unctuous blood for five, six days on a regular basis. These vampires’ extra sensitive sense of smell would surely pick up on that. Does she go into hiding at that time o’ the month? Does she get her uterus vacuumed like some career woman on the go? Come on. Explanation plz.
I would imagine that letting Edward suck down her menstrual blood directly from the source would be a nice compromise for them both. No biting necessary, just lapping.
I read about this on the Guardian’s site when the book was first published in the UK and it ignited quite the firestorm over there. I find it rather amazing that older (and younger) Brits have this rabid fear of weed whereas here in the good ole US of A have mostly an aw-shucks whatareyagonna do shrug. Not only have we already mounted and failed at our own war on drugs, but the generation that has college-aged kids now all blazed with as much passionate fervor one can muster when one’s stoned. So they don’t have the steel-trap justification to demand their children Just Say No.
The other more fascinating part of this dust-up is how Myerson will fit in with the Bad Mommy memoir club. What is it with writers these days who can look no further than their own brood for material? Isn’t a parent’s primary responsibilty the protection of his/her child? Parents usually feel so impotent when school-yard bullies trounce all over their little Billy or Jane — but here Myerson herself is exposing her kid to public humiliation. Who wouldn’t need a little herbal remedy to put a nice hazy buffer between the hellish reality of one’s own mother forsaking you and the experience of it?
Come to think of it, wouldn’t Myerson feel a whole lot relaxed about her kid’s rough teenage years if she sparked a j? Critics have written that Myerson captures the resentment mothers feel towards their children. Resentment for what exactly? Stealing all those crazy nights out mom used to drink herself into a stupor and bang strangers? Forcing her to feed and bathe the babe instead of hoovering lines? Oh, I see. Yeah.
Myerson is pissed (epically obv.) that her kid is having the life she gave up to have him. Reason enough to write a book so that others will not fall prey to the seduction of spawning oneself.