This past weekend, a friend of mine imparted an extraordinary story to me and I thought nothing aside from posting it here in all its glory so that you, fayre reader, could partake in its magnificence. Let it be known far and wide that everything you do or say around me will be utilized as comedic material. I should come with some sort of legal disclaimer.
"USE OF THIS PERSON FOR FRIENDSHIP MAY RESULT IN COMEDY-INDUCED EMBARRASSMENT AND/OR INTERNET FAME, KNOWN AS LOLZ. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS OPERATING MACHINERY OR AN AUTOMOBILE [clown-cars not included], SINCE SHE ONLY HAS HER LEARNER’S PERMIT."
I’ll just paste that on my person. Anyway… I wasn’t wearing my disclaimer, so my friend had no forewarning that his tale would be posted here. One, two, three, GO.
My friend works as a closed captioner, ie. he types up the words that appear like subtitles at the bottom of the TV screen and are meant to impart the spoken action for the auditorily-handicapped. That would be deaf, for all you retards out there.
He is employed by a number of television clients: SciFi, TBS, PBS, religious channels. His company even does work for a non-profit production company that creates health videos for high school students.
Last week, he walks in and is given a tape and told to get to typing. He slides it in to the player, slips on his headphones, cracks a knuckle, all the usual preparatory measures. Sensual synthesizer music begins. Nothing out of the ordinary.
A young African-American man rolls into view. He is in a wheelchair. Ok. He begins speaking about being handicapped. Type type type. A friend joins him. This time a woman. She walks up next to him and lays a hand on his shoulder affectionately. She describes, “The feelings you have when you want to get close to another person… sexually.” Type type type. My friend wipes a drop of sweat where his ear meets the headphones.
Cut to: a bedroom. The gentleman who had been in the wheelchair is now laid out on a bed and he is half dressed. The woman walks into the frame and sits down on the bed. Type type type. The gentleman mentions “wanting to be safe no matter the circumstances.” Type type type. A condom is spirited into the woman grasp mysteriously. It is donned by a phallus formed of polystyrene. My friend looks around his cubicle to ensure the guy he shares it with is focused on his own work. Type type type, he slowly taps the keyboard.
Cut to: a dark forest. The gentleman is seated in his wheelchair shirtless. The woman is perched on her knees at his side. She says, “Even when you’re feeling spontaneous, there is no excuse not to prevent pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease.” Type type type.
My friend zips through the rest of the video — it’s the fastest he’s ever closed captioned anything. As he described this sex ed video, I could hardly control myself. Imagine the production team story-boarding this!
"Bro, I’ve never had sex with a gimp. I wouldn’t know the first thing to do."
"I know. Can they even get it on? Is their junk functional?!"
"Well, whatever. Let’s just do the usual bedroom scene and maybe something showing you need to be safe where ever you do it… like in a swimming pool or something."
"That would be expensive to rent."
"Right. Good thinking, man. Let’s just use the astro-turf from the balcony and make it a forest scene."
"Awesome. I think we’ve covered all the bases. Oh, we should probably get it closed captioned too in case any of these gimps are deaf too."
JESUS. I mean I won’t short-sell the chances that an inner-city wheelchair-bound guy is going to get some poon. He could be super charming. But, a DEAF inner-city wheelchair-bound guy? If a man who can’t hear anything AND feels nothing from the waist down gets a chick in bed, he’s not going to need a rubber to prevent him from coming too soon. Nothing she says OR does is going to cause premature evacuation.